What is wrong with me that I can’t seem to get myself out of this hell?”

by Annie Kaszina on November 6, 2007

Dear Annie

”I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for many
years now….I just feel tired and like I can’t move myself to do anything.
Do I sound like a weak and silly woman?

Annie, I know I need to make changes…just like I bought your ebook and had it
2 weeks and not read it yet.

What is wrong with me that I can’t seem to get myself out of this hell hole?”

Dear S.

You
sound like a woman who has had most of her life’s blood drained out of her by
an abusive relationship. 

It’s
been said many times, including by me, that abusive men are vampires; they will
feed off you and feed off you and feed off you, until there is nothing left to
consume.

Now,
that sounds pretty much like how you must be feeling like at this point in
time. 

 But
still, it’s not quite like that.

 The
fact that you have subscribed to the 7 lessons and bought the ebook, even if
you can’t get round to reading them yet, means that you have set your heart on
recovery.

My
guess is that you have even less energy than you otherwise would right now
because your internal dialogue probably runs something like this: "Why are
you still in this relationship?  You should have left years ago.  You
don’t even love him any more.  So why do you stay?  You’re
weak.  You’re stupid.  If you leave, the kids lose out.  And I
don’t want them to blame me for breaking up the family", and so on and so
forth.

It
makes me tired just writing it.

 S.,
I’ve been exactly where you are now and just today I was rejoicing at how far
I’ve come.  I did it the slow way because at that time there wasn’t anyone
pointing to the fast track, at least nobody that I knew of. 

 That’s
what I do now. 

 So what
can y
ou do
now? 

I would
earnestly encourage you to tell that internal voice to belt up.  It really
doesn’t know what it is talking about.  It doesn’t understand where you
are coming from and it’s not helping you.  Or, if you aren’t as rude as I
am, then thank it very kindly for trying to help and point out that you really
are very, very tired, because living in an abusive relationship is
exhausting.  I don’t think I have ever spoken to a single abused woman who
wasn’t bone weary.  It goes with the territory. 

But do
you know that, once you stand to extend a little kindness and understanding to
yourself, that energy returns?  You probably didn’t know that and nor did
that tiresome little internal voice.  So you’d better tell it.

And
while you’re about it, you’d better tell it that it’s taken enormous endurance
to keep you safe and still working at the relationship today and while that,
like your extraordinary loyalty, may have been displaced it’s still
valuable.  So, before that internal voice shoots its mouth off again, it
might like to reconsider the situation from your point of view.

In
short, S., it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling.  It’s normal.  And
the fact that you are berating yourself for still being in the relationship
actually means that you are growing your wings and preparing for flight. 

What
you feel may not be the way it actually is.  We often feel worst when
change is already happening deep beneath the surface.

Why
does it happen like that? Could be because we are so frightened of having to
face any new difficulties that we prepare to hide it from ourselves until there
is a fair bit of momentum already moving us forwards?  Or maybe it’s
because we are so careless of ourselves that we would give up on the start of
our recovery if we recognised what it was before it had reached the point of no
return.

And,
yes, all of us doubt that we will ever reach and pass that point, but we
do.  (We’re usually looking in the other direction at the time.)

So good
luck, S..  Be kind to yourself and start working with the emails and the
ebook as soon as ever you can. 

When
you look back, you will be amazed to discover that recovery turned out to be so
much easier than you would have believed possible.

 Warm wishes,

Previous post:

Next post: